Reaction

So I watched a video tonight and it was really moving and inspired me. It made me want to communicate more and think more deeply than I’m used to. I posted it on my fb and I hope that someone sees it and is impacted in some way.

I feel uncomfortable, but I guess not that uncomfortable that I wont do something about it. It’s different and weird but, maybe that is normal. Or what will be normal. I also feel uncomfortable because this isnt the best that I can do. This isnt what I want to be left if I go. I think that I’m not living my life to its fullest potential. It is average and unexciting..no wait. It is exciting, as in I have my own mini adventures and the way I conduct my life has its own merit. But I guess I can see ways that it can be better, more extraordinary! But there are comforts in average-ness. There are comforts in the way I live my life now. It is so scary! Diverting from the path that I have set up for myself. And only I (plus God) have set it up like this. No one else has determined what I choose for my future. But I think that I have trapped myself? With my wants, my expectations, and fears. Dont think that I’m just going with the flow—letting my peers dictate what I do. I want to do things. The problem is, I want to do so much! I want to squeeze everything out of every opportunity! 

I want to be more…poetic. Speak with my hands, speak with my eyes. Windows to the soul. I want people to want me. Want me there, want me and know that I have much to give. It is a normal and yet a sad desire that I think that everyone has. We are individuals, so why do we need people? Why do we strive for company? Some more than most, but at some level, we need others to be there. 

I really want to be in a meadow :D to have tall grass all around me, green everywhere with flowers, sunshine, blue sky, birds, and me. I want to breathe in. Not just inhale, but breathe. Fulfill the needs that I dont even know that I have. Know that I am alive, not just getting by. At a certain point, life has been reduced to going to school, proving your worth with tests, and making a living so you can “live” later on. How would you know when “later on” is? When is that threshold? 

Also, I have been thinking, when is it time to think about the future. You are supposed to not think so much about it and spend more time on the present. Well, when is it the time to plan ahead and think that you would be happier if you did this versus this. I have always thought that you would just know. I will know when I need to think ahead and when I need to make decisions. It is when I cannot stand it anymore. I cannot stand my current situation—that is when I will be forced to decide. I know that people can think that why would you want to let yourself get to that point? Why would you do that to yourself? Well, if you know me, I can be reckless with my emotions and my emotional state. There are things that I am willing to risk in order to have a happy present. The future doesnt matter as much. And maybe I shouldnt be doing that and I am just screwing myself over, but who knows? Nothing I do will ever be a mistake if I let it help me. If I grow from the experience. And maybe I trust too much or too willingly…but what can I do if an overwhelming curiosity wins? Siiiigh…I’m so jkgjasdlkgjadskjfslk…

I’m so effing scared!!! >.< when it comes down to it, I’m scared. I know that I need to just calm down, but…its tough. The fear is overwhelming sometimes. So. Overwhelming.

I’m trying my best though. I’m trying..